Time left me behind....

Even after all these years, the manipulations continue...

With Spring rain come tears

Another year come and gone. Time catches us off guard when depression plays a huge part in the game. Struggles and battles with ourselves deep inside our minds and souls. Then the curvature of life brings us full circle and tears us down once again. Didn't I see this coming?

He said to me, ' Mom, did she talk to you about her moving in with Dad'? 'No'? Pondering over the tears that began to form so quickly. The venture had been spoken of before, but always set aside for another day. Had it really come into the light?

With a heavy heart and hope that the response would again be set aside, words were sent and asked if this were true. An angry and prompt response gave way to a subtle; yes. Within minutes the door flew open and a frustrated teen girl sprung forth, stomping towards her brother's room, livid. 'Why did you say anything to her? I hadn't had a chance to talk to her yet'! Her brother's response - 'What? It isn't that big a deal. Calm down'!

Her friend stood in the doorway seeing the pain in my eyes. "She wanted to talk to you about this first. She really did'. How I wanted to believe these words, but my heart was quickly melting into itself.

I had tried to be the friend and mother at the same time to my children. Yet as they grew older, their father and I not being able to keep our family together, we struggled to be the parents we should have been. Even when we were no longer living in the same home. One more open-minded than the other, less demanding, and that allowed our children to walk over us. Depression is a wicked demon and chooses to steal the life from you, slowly, painfully, and without regard for your heart's life.

As my throat closed off all air to breathe, I asked her "Why, and when"? 'A week or this weekend. I'm not sure. Dad and I talked about this. I really need him to stay on me about going to school, curfew, I need to get away from temptations of my friends, and living with Dad I won't be able to get away with everything'. You are an amazing mom, and you do what you can, but I need some discipline'.

I knew at this point that I had failed my second child as well as my first. I chose to be their friend, before their Mom. What would happen now?

What did happen is a reality that neither home was healthy for my kids. Depression is a thief and a very direct threat. Damnit I wish it could be told to simply go away. It has too much fun lingering and causing pain where there should be happiness.

Hopelessness

The sound of dramatic thunder brought with it, an agonizing moment of grief for the child, with the strength of ten thousand demons. A heartache like no other was born and would not release her. Fear washed over her heart and swallowed her whole. 

Defeat claimed victory to yet another battle in the well. He delighted in what he saw, agonizing fear on the child's face. He could feel her quake as tears overwhelmed her. He held onto something hidden from many - the inner pain of the child's own love, whom found solace in euphoric dreams of self harm. 

This memory, which was still very much alive, the child had hoped Defeat had not claimed as his own. Yet, there it was, staring at her in glistening black onyx. Surely the color matched that of Defeat's heart. 

With eyes wide, and desperate, the child reached for such, as to reclaim the wickedness in hopes that in time, her own love would recover from the release of such an act. Defeat, toying with the child, kept the memory just out of her reach. 

Hope? Please help me. Yet the pain only increased.  

The child's daughter's life became a vision before her. As though a silent movie played in defiant black and white, asking to be heard. She wept for her daughter's inner pain. How could this precious one cause herself relief by allowing the blood to flow from the hidden cuts on her skin, and her heart? 

The numb feeling returned as her tears and heart wept for not knowing how to better understand. This, among many other trials in her life began to surface like steam bubbles from a hidden pool of a scalding spa. The burn never came, but left deep scars on her soul. She knew her fear of Defeat only increased the hold he had on her life. 

The child screamed in agony - 'I MUST GET OUT OF THIS WELL'! 

Hope - are you listening...

I need the rain to breathe life into my soul. With each warm droplet upon my skin, I felt as though something or someone was trying to calm me.

Maybe Hope, was still here, with me.  I struggle to wonder if she could be.

Did I send her away with my doubting thoughts?

'God, please assure me that she is still here with me'.

Did I just pray....

Where has the time gone...

It seems a lifetime has passed me by, laying on this cold floor, and feeling as though I no longer exist in this world. Have I detached myself completely from the bliss of reality? Sorrow still wallows inside my soul.

Can anyone ever really drain their eyes of melancholy? Hope - are you there to answer these pondering questions? Please say yes...

Out of my Mind

Though the sun shone above - it soon became apparent, that this too, was a lie. Hope wasn't real after all was she? How could I be so stupid to have faith that she was?

'A shrink huh? Head doctor, brain washer - yep - time to check into the room with the padded walls'. She laughed at herself until she began to cry. 'Why am I so lost', she couldn't quit repeating to herself.

Her movements slowed as she collapsed onto the floor. She was giving up.

Her ears could only hear the sound of the rain. Each drop resembled her tears, as they fell, hard and fast. She let them soothe her with their lullabye, as she curled up inside of herself.

Lost tokens...

Pulling herself down into the deepest parts of the well was terrifying - yet, exhilarating. She knew that Defeat was in the darkness, teeth glowing within his sneer. She could feel his laughter as it sent a burning sensation through her veins. Is this the pain of death?

The child's recklessness caught Hope off guard. As the child broke free, her breath departed abruptly. Hope knew the child could not endure this battle alone. With a weakened lunge, she caught the child's tattered lace gown. Hope felt sadness overcome her, as she tightened her hold on the lace. Only time would tell the outcome.

As time slipped by, the darkness began to lighten. Morning had come. A lazy fog settled above, as the sun tried to fight its way through the mist. The Autumn leaves fell into the well, cascading so gently, as tears of nature felt the pain of this dangerous battle.

Defeat still grasped for the child's cherished tokens. He knew with the light that Hope would become stronger. Then Hope and the child would gain the advantage to retrieving these precious broken pieces of life.  However, he may still reach those that had spilled into the abyss before the child took - her leap of faith.

Yes - He may - if the seconds left of ebony would allow him such a triumph. And, so it had, and he laughed.

The child screamed, 'NO - Please no'!  

But, as reality set in, she knew that she would not recover all of her dreams and memories. The tokens which held the most pain had fallen much more quickly, due to the weight they carried of so many tears. She was too late. Her doubts had cost her sweet time needed to regain all.

Defeat held tight to her most hidden and sorrowful memories and dreams. The burdens of her heart bled in Defeat's hands. He reached for the child's face to bring her closer. He needed her to see what she had lost. To show her that this battle of The Well, had been won by Him.

The child found the strength to recoil from Defeat. She turned to look upon Hope, wondering, why she hadn't helped her more.