Another year come and gone. Time catches us off guard when depression plays a huge part in the game. Struggles and battles with ourselves deep inside our minds and souls. Then the curvature of life brings us full circle and tears us down once again. Didn't I see this coming?
He said to me, ' Mom, did she talk to you about her moving in with Dad'? 'No'? Pondering over the tears that began to form so quickly. The venture had been spoken of before, but always set aside for another day. Had it really come into the light?
With a heavy heart and hope that the response would again be set aside, words were sent and asked if this were true. An angry and prompt response gave way to a subtle; yes. Within minutes the door flew open and a frustrated teen girl sprung forth, stomping towards her brother's room, livid. 'Why did you say anything to her? I hadn't had a chance to talk to her yet'! Her brother's response - 'What? It isn't that big a deal. Calm down'!
Her friend stood in the doorway seeing the pain in my eyes. "She wanted to talk to you about this first. She really did'. How I wanted to believe these words, but my heart was quickly melting into itself.
I had tried to be the friend and mother at the same time to my children. Yet as they grew older, their father and I not being able to keep our family together, we struggled to be the parents we should have been. Even when we were no longer living in the same home. One more open-minded than the other, less demanding, and that allowed our children to walk over us. Depression is a wicked demon and chooses to steal the life from you, slowly, painfully, and without regard for your heart's life.
As my throat closed off all air to breathe, I asked her "Why, and when"? 'A week or this weekend. I'm not sure. Dad and I talked about this. I really need him to stay on me about going to school, curfew, I need to get away from temptations of my friends, and living with Dad I won't be able to get away with everything'. You are an amazing mom, and you do what you can, but I need some discipline'.
I knew at this point that I had failed my second child as well as my first. I chose to be their friend, before their Mom. What would happen now?
What did happen is a reality that neither home was healthy for my kids. Depression is a thief and a very direct threat. Damnit I wish it could be told to simply go away. It has too much fun lingering and causing pain where there should be happiness.
